Julia was sexually abused by one of her stepbrothers from the time she was 12 until she left home.

Julia’s story has been reprinted from Mimi Silbert’s article, “Juveniles in Pornography,” published in Zillmann and Bryant’s book Pornography: Research Advances and Policy Considerations.

"He and my stepfather and one of the other brothers used to watch these pornographic movies out at my Dad’s workshop.  They were always laughing and making loud noises when they watched it and I wanted to be included.  I was in a weird position in the house anyway.  I’d call my father my stepfather because he isn’t really my father.  But he was the father of the boys and two of them were older than me.  Even the younger one was his.  I don’t know what happened with me.  I don’t know if I was a bastard or what.  I only know he wasn’t my father and I used to have to call him stepfather and no one would tell me who my real dad was.  Anyway, I wanted to see what the movies were that they’d always be watching.  So one day my oldest brother took me in and showed me.  To tell the truth I could hardly make out what was going on, but as he was watching he became more excited.  He started showing the movie a second time and started masturbating and making all kinds of disgusting comments.  I wanted to get out of there by then but the workshop door was locked and no one came home in the afternoons until dinnertime.  At the end of the second time, he pushed me down and tied my hands with his belt and raped me…He told me that if I told my mom I would be kicked out of the family because I was only there because he and his father and brother agreed that I could stay.  I was sobbing and begging him but he told me that we’d do this whenever he wanted and that I better not tell anyone…I didn’t tell and that’s just what happened.  I did what he said and never asked any questions and I never told anyone and I kept feeling sicker and sicker."

"One day I was making trouble at school and the nun started screaming at me and saying, “everyone knows what’s wrong with you girl.” I knew I hadn’t told but I thought everyone must know.  I ran home that day and decided I didn’t care what anyone did to me.  They could kill me but I was never going back to that school…Anyway, with things getting worse at home and having no real friends anymore, I decided to run away…"

"I was having a hard time surviving, so when I met a guy on the streets who offered to pay me and feed me and buy me some clothes just for letting him take pictures of me, I really thought I had a good deal.  After a few months I really thought everything was going to be great.  I was sleeping with him, and I didn’t care that the cameras rolled and took pictures of us while we made love, because he was the first guy who really seemed to want me.  After a while he told me that I was the best he’d ever seen, and he thought I could probably take two or three guys on whereas most girls couldn’t do that…I really didn’t want to, but it seemed real important to him and I wanted him to be proud of me.  He was 33 years old and I knew he had lots of women and I thought if I was the only one who could do this, then I must be really something special to him…"

"They began to film with several guys…Then came all the disgusting things; they would just put anything up me, stalks of celery…then it started with the coke bottles.  It became a big deal, how I could get bigger bottles up me than anyone that had worked for them…By this time I had been with (name) for about 3 years.  He was still supporting me, but he was now beating me a lot, and was spending most of his time with other girls.  I was getting completely broken and desperate.  I started using drugs about 2 years into being with him, and now he  is no longer asking me to do anything to make him proud.  Now he would just withhold my drugs and tell me if I wanted them I’d have to do these things.  I needed that dope just to get through the day.  I was strung out pretty bad and I didn’t care what they put up me and I didn’t care how many of them took pictures of it.  I really didn’t care about nothing…The thing I guess that finally got me out of there is when he brought another woman he’d been with and told me I had to do it with her for the pictures…I don’t know why that was worse than bottles or celery or maybe it was just all of it combined but anyway, I had just had it.  So I took off…I was just about 18."

"I decided I’d straighten out some.  I was still shooting dope, but not as much as I had been. And I swore I’d never let anyone take no pictures of me again…I ended up working in a massage parlor…It wasn’t as bad as what I’d been doing.  A lot of them were old, you know, kind of disgusting, but at least I didn’t have to do all that weird stuff…By then I was so sick of myself and being used by old men…I decided to come to Delancey Street (Foundation) to try to get my life back."