Somebody’s Story.

Porn Enhances Relationships'... Ability To End.

I am a 30ish, Caucasian, white-collar, middle-class, husband and father who has been addicted to pornography for 15 years.

I'm a normal guy, a good guy. I pay my taxes, take out the trash, eat apple pie, live a good life. I'm a religious person, but have purposely sought to keep as much religion out of my blog and this recovery process as possible, so as not to alienate anyone interested in porn damage, addiction, and recovery. Despite a growing desire to quit and multiple attempts over the last 10 years...this February I was finally at a point where I had had enough.

Straight up, watching porn with your partner is about the dumbest thing you can do to enhance your sexual relationship. Why?

Well, there are various types and scopes of relationships. Some people are only seeking a sexual temporary relationship, and have no intention of finding a mate, settling down, starting a family. Some people seek out self-destructive patterns and partners. However, if you mean a normal, healthy, happy relationship between two partners who mutually work together to provide comfort, support, and greater happiness - then Porn is a sure way to start systematically destroying trust, love, respect, and happiness.

First of all, Porn is fake. More often then not, it sets ridiculously unrealistic standards. The 30-minute sex scene you watch usually takes
3 hours to shoot, and no one can really huff and puff away like that.
The bodies and parts of the players are usually enhanced, or the far peak of the scale and not the average. We know that the vast majority of women don't even enjoy, much less make those noises, when doing a lot of the acts presented. So, to sum up, you're placing expectations on each other subconsciously that you can't deliver on. So "hot" in the moment, but damaging in the long run.

Second, Porn laughs at monogamy. By watching the pornography showing multiple experiences, with multiple partners, like it or not, you are programming your mind. You can't honestly believe that by watching porn with your partner that you are promoting a more monogamous relationship.

Third, Porn is temporary escapism with lasting effects. Like drugs, pornography is exciting at first, but requires increased use to achieve the same high as time progresses. In a relationship, it has the same effect. I can understand why people argue that by watching pornography together, that they are enhancing their relationship, if by relationship they mean sex. Any way that you look at it, watching the porn together would probably lead to heightened pleasure. But as I said before, it also leads to heightened levels of expectation, disappointment in "normal" sex and love-making, and more and more desire to watch more porn to achieve that high.

Fourth, Porn is degrading. I believe it objectifies women, and has consistently moved deeper and deeper down that road. Prolonged exposure as a couple would have to have a negative effect on a heterosexual relationship, particularly on the perceptions of the male partner. More damaging is the pressure it places on the female to perform additional and more degrading sexual acts, and to create the perception of “absolutely loving every minute" of her degradation.

Fifth, Porn eventually leads to self-pleasure. You get hooked on Porn as a couple, you'll eventually start sneaking porn individually. Rather than bringing you together, it's designed to pull you apart.

Porn does indeed enhance relationships. It enhances their ability to end in a much shorter period of time, and directly decreases the potential duration of further relationships to come.

The type of relationships I think most people want are NOT just about sex. If sex is the driving factor in your relationship then it’s headed for the crapper anyway. A true relationship is about growth. Growth over the long run, growth in the amount of respect given, growth in the amount of need for the other, and growth in love. Porn erodes respect, need, and love for the other partner.

On a very personal level, I have never watched porn with my wife. She has never watched or viewed pornography at all. She is an amazing woman, and I consider myself beyond lucky to have her in my life. I respect her for that, more than you can understand. She was my first, and I was hers. We first had sex on our wedding night, and a poor attempt at that I must say, as porn had damaged my view of sex. It has taken me a long time to get my head back on straight regarding sex.

Our relationship is more than sex. Sex is the frosting on an already amazing cake. The sweet thing is that my wife is also an awesome lover, without any additional source of inspiration, pornography, or anything. I have no complaints about my sex life, and I believe that we are both more than satisfied.

This amazing sex life was accomplished WITHOUT watching pornography together. If anything, the porn I watched alone damaged things. I can't imagine having participated in viewing pornography as a couple. It might be exciting to me, maybe even her at first. However, I love my wife, and have worked hard to make sure she never feels pressure to do anything she is not comfortable doing...and porn would create pressure.

I get mail now and then from women who visited my site who talk about how they tried to be "cool" and convince themselves that watching porn was o.k. and trendy. They went along with it til they realized they didn't like it, and that they were being objectified and pressured into things they didn't like. I've also noticed that I have never gotten one of those emails with the couple still together.

I believe that my sex life rocks because we truly love each other, and give to each other. We have genuine love, genuine respect, genuine expectations, and genuine feeling. When you finally get there, you understand that it’s not the sex, but the partner that really matters.

When I think of hot sex, I think about experiences with my wife, not porn scenes. Those of you who regularly view porn with a partner should try that test out.

A little porn as a couple might seem and even be exciting and fun initially...but is it really worth it? Porn addiction is like any other kind: some are more susceptible than others. Why are some people more prone to alcoholism? They just are. So why even risk it, why take yourself and your partner off the road of real love and respect for temporarily and ultimately destructive fun?

Only you can answer that one. As for me and my amazing wife, we're
gonna love each other, and only each other till the day we die.

Somebody Somewhere


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