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Kristenye: I had an alcoholic abusive mother who loved to go bar-hopping, and an abusive step-father who was addicted to methadone and alcohol which made him really abusive and mean. My real father died when I was 12 from heart problems (he was a severe alcoholic). My step-dad used to get drunk and beat the hell outta me while my mom was at work. My mom was so in-love she let it happened and stayed in denial he also beat the hell outta her all the time and I would go to school the next day and act out. They eventually put me in "special classes" saying I had an anger problem.
I was sexually abused at 12 by my step-dads co-worker in the military, they did nothing, it was "my fault". My mother called me a slut, whore, tramp, failure way before all of the sexual abuse or even before I started taking an interest in boys so in a way I saw myself that way. I was gang-raped at 13 by 4 neighborhood boys I grew up with , and hospitalized for 2 years. I dealt with depression, being so-called bi-polar/manic-depressant. I was on a lot of medication that of course never worked. I was a cutter and suicidal for awhile. I was hospitalized and put in many behavioral center where I just acted out even more. Taking a child out of an environment they are used to and putting them with children who are worse than them is not a smart idea. Kids adapt to there environment and learn from those they are around. How was I supposed to act? Not only had traumatic things happened to me at an early age but I felt my mother chose a man over me!
I ran away 18 times in one year and was banned from Pecan Gardens (neighborhood in Virginia beach). I joined a gang at 14 and stole cars and other things, did teen porn, drugs, skipped school and stayed in fights. I always got sent to a detention center or group home, until they got tired of me in the juvenile system. I was arrested more than 14 times as a juvenile went to juvenile prison 2 times and still didn't learn.
I turned 18 started robbing peoples homes, set a house on fire, got a conspiracy to robbery, plenty of assault charges even on minors, and eventually the judge got tired of seeing me in Virginia Beach City Jail and sent me to adult prison while I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter because I was smoking weed, violated probation and was living with a federal fugitive. I was sentenced to 2 years in Fluvanna maximum security women's prison. I was in a solitary confinement program called Structured living (for gang-members and problem inmates). I was a security threat to the whole facility because I was affiliated and because of my tattoo's and mail.
I got released at age 21, 6 months after having my daughter Gabriella. Thus I do not have a mothers bond with my child. And when I got out of prison I was still not in the right mind-frame emotionally after having lived with murderers and child-abusers in prison so I couldn't take care of my daughter. So I did what I thought was best and left her with my mother instead of her going into Social Services.
I continued to use drugs & I was in a lesbian relationship for 4 years with a 43 year old black butch who used to smoke crack and beat the hell outta me. I was brainwashed by her to think that she was the only one who cared for me. All I had. I was a disaster waiting to happen...In fact, I was a disaster happening.
K: I was 16 when I decided to get a fake ID and start stripping for fast cash because I was a run-away and needed the money to survive. I was then told about Craig's list, an online ad web site, right before I turned 17 and I posted an ad for private dancing/modeling to get bigger cash. Eventually the company I was working for influenced me to dance and model nude for even more money.
I started to performing in amateur films at 17 for a few different men and companies. I signed a contract with Masquerade films right before I turned 18. I had never heard of them before but I figured it was low-key enough not to be noticed.
K: When I was 18 years old I met a guy named Shawn who claimed to like me. We started dating and he always told me how pretty I was how much he loved me. I craved love so much I believed him and fell in-love for the first time. He ended up getting locked up for child support so he asked me to start posting adds on Craig's list for "full-service calls and charge my clients 250 and hour to get him outta jail. I REALIZED I WORKED FOR A PIMP. Shawn's name was Black Ice and when he got outta jail he brought me to his house that was full of his girls and his "Bottom Bitch"(a name used for the head female/madam) Lexie. Lexie trained me to do calls in a hotel in Richmond Virginia. We did nothing but stay in a hotel all the time, when we went out we were not allowed to talk to anyone unless it was a female.
We traveled a lot had to do car-dates which was horrible and scary. We went to Washington D.C. and there it was even worse. We walked a track and were in constant threat by clients, police, gang-members, and other pimps. As I learned the ways of the sex biz, I eventually started my own company " Diamond Entertainment" and was a madam over 6 girls aged from 17-23 who I would put up in hotels and take 50% of their money and make them do the same things I was made to do. I hated myself for making them do the same horrible things I had to do.
K: I was trapped in a room with a guy smoking crack who would not let me outta his home until I did everything he asked. He wanted me to indulge in drugs with him and then join in with him and his male lover in a threesome, forced anal was involved. It was horrible.
K: I would tell them things like I was just a college girl doing this to make money because I was struggling, I didn't want them to know how horrible my situation was or they would take advantage of that. I told a few guys I loved them and wanted to be with them, just so they would give me what I wanted. I constantly lied to men.
K: At first I thought it would be exciting. Sad isn't it? I started out just having sex with a guy, then started doing threesomes, then lesbian porn because I was bi-sexual. Then I did dominatrix stuff with submissive men and I did degrading things to them such as peeing on them, beating them, and doing even worse things to violate them.
Porn was a horrible experience, having to stay in the same position while they re-did shots and having to re-do positions all the time. I wasn't allowed to wipe anything off my face or body until they were done. It was really gross and really degrading as a woman, I had a very low-self esteem even though people constantly told me how pretty and sexy I was. I developed an eating disorder which I had to be hospitalized for several times. I think I am not able to have kids now because of all the physical problems I had. Sometimes I was pounded so hard I bled, my periods were always off key. I caught gonorrhea when I was 18 by another guy I was asked to have sex with on film without a rubber. I never caught anything from prostituting but did from doing porn.
K: I started using drugs at 16...I started off with methadone (synthetic heroin) then went to cocaine, crystal meth, crack. I used everything but I used cocaine and weed more than anything. To forget the pain...I took drugs.
K: I actually thought God turned his back on me because of the filthy things I was doing. I came close to death a few times and I always got outta it. Now I know God was there for me right by my side the whole time just waiting for me to notice him.
K: I was NEVER the type to use my bad experiences to get attention or to get pity. Bad things happen in life and there are people across seas who live life a lot worse. I just have always been a real person and my experiences have made me who I am now so I don't wish to have pity. Instead, I wish to use what I've gone thru to help other people. To make a difference, because we do have a loving God who apparently allowed me to go thru these things to use it to glorify Him ...and that's what I plan on doing. I am a new person with God and he never left my side even when I left him. Sometimes still I just get so overwhelmed with anger and negativity. I pray for strength. Other times I get so depressed and think of hurting myself...but I remember he loves me and blessed me with beauty not only outside but within me too. It is so hard for me...I have such an addiction to money. I've always been willing to sell my soul to get what I wanted. This will be the hardest struggle because I hate "not having". God tells me he will be there to comfort me and make it all okay. I'm wondering how long it will take till all the pain goes away.
I wish my mom would just call to say "she loves me " or even to just say she's "thinking of me". Even with all the things I've been thru with her, I just can't help loving her and wanting her to love me. But she never does and never once calls other than to belittle me or scream at me for some disgusting thing I did in the past. She doesn't allow me or the child's father to see my daughter. She has full custody and has since the last time I was in jail for drugs. I used to have visitation but now I don't because one of my friends called my mom awhile ago and gave her my porn-site info and she seen one of my porn sites and cancelled my visits. Since then I haven't seen my 2 year old precious little angel "Gabriella" at all. But I know someday God will make me the mother I should be. God gives me strength because I should've broke down and died a long time ago.
I want to add that one day when I thought that nobody cared and I was just a failure at life I ran acrost Shelley Lubbens page...I listened and watched her testimony and I cried all thru it. I couldnt believe there was another human being on earth who could understand what was going on with me. I was in awe about how much she had changed her life and how happy she was. First thought was...If this woman can do it, why cant I?
So I contacted her and since she has been an inspiration to me. She has been a role model/mentor to me ever since. Her ministry reaches out to girls going thru the same things. I am grateful to have met her, she has helped me in so many ways and motivated me to do something with my life thats so much better. I believe God sent her to me when I felt like ending my life and just giving up. I am so thankful to have met such a beautiful person who trully cares and wants to help people stop hurting.
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