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I just want to find peace, which has eluded me my entire life. I was molested by the son of my parents best friends when I was 12 until I was almost 16. I had other isolated incidences before that but this is where it all started to mess me up totally. I never told my family or anyone at the church because I didn't want to ruin their friendship. I don't want to hurt my mom now. He molested me for 3 years every chance we were alone. Our parents put us alone alot because we spent so much time together as families and through church. We even went camping together every year where he'd get me in the woods. He had a little brother who witnessed a lot of it, which only served to embarrass me more. He was sent to somewhat chaperone us but his big brother would just tell him to turn around and threaten him if he told. Even the people in the church made me go with him because we lived close to each other and it was convenient for him to take me home after youth events. He would pull over and hold me down while he fondled me. He would make my hand fondle him as well. I tried to tell people I didn't want to go with him but they just thought I was being difficult.
As time went on, the youth pastor and his wife at the time started rumors that I was a bad influence so not to let their kids hang around with me. They all thought this boy was a real sweet boy and even wanted their daughters to date him. I was being molested by him and they called me a tramp though I was still a virgin and trying to keep it that way. I started acting out sexually and even gave my virginity away at 15 1/2 to a boy I didn't know so that he couldn't rape me and take it that way. The whole time he was molesting me, he was dating my cousin who was my best friend. I later told her and she broke up with him though I know she loved him. I think it ruined her life too. She is a mess to this day as well.
After losing my virginity, I let this molester have sex with me once. I gave up trying to fight it. This was my sophomore year of high school and at this point I hadn't told anyone but a friend who I didn't even know very well. She's the one who fixed me up with the guy I gave my virginity to. She said she had slept with him so she said he knew what to do. He didn't believe that I was a virgin so he kept going even though I told him to stop because of the pain. He took me home and I never wanted to see him again. He later realized I told him the truth and kept trying to date me after that.
I met a boy after that who was really good to me and we went out for 2 years until his mom broke us up because she said we were too young to be so serious. I told the boy who molested me that if he touched me again, I'd tell my boyfriend and have him beat him up. My boyfriend was on the football team and very athletic so he never touched me again. But he was still in my life because of our parents and he would still try to talk to me in the hopes of getting me to do things with him. That was when I quit going to church.
From there, I turned to drugs and alcohol and became sexually active with whoever I felt like at the moment. I ended up getting pregnant. My son's father was supposed to marry me and backed out at the last minute so now I was an unwed mother. I ended up with my girls father who was an abusive alcoholic and drug user and I spent 5 years getting beat up by him before he sobered up and then we had several years of normal life before he started using pain pills again and attacked me after 11 years of nothing happening.
From there, I went on to have a 9-year affair with my boss who was married at the time. He left his wife and we got married and then I saw who he really was all along. He is a sex and porn addict and he took me down that route. We spent 8 years of our relationship in porn and stripclubs and doing all kinds of crazy sex stuff. After we married, he took my job to make me be his stay at home wife. I figured out real quick that I was just a replacement for his last wife and was just a possession to be used by him for his pleasures not mine. He was already searching for another woman to have as his mistress while he was pushing me to stay home. That was when my daughter moved in with us and he began to treat her like she was less then him and his kids. He had done that with my other daughter as well and I had let him get away with it then.
He made her feel like she was not good enough and when we started to fight about it, he said something to me that made me realize he felt the same way about me. He said he had taken us in and had given us so much when in reality, he had taken everything I had and then was trying to take our actual persons as well. That was when I loaded us up and we left to try to rebuild. Neither one of us were able to think clearly and healthy from that point on. Since then, I realized that my daughter went into porn because she felt like she was not deserving and that she had somehow created my pain. Partly because of him and partly because of her ex-boyfriend. I blamed myself for her pain so I just wanted to make it up to her by helping her be successful at porn which was a joke, I later figured out. I was so angry that I ended up going the same path with her. I think we both had so much anger at the whole world for letting us down that nothing really mattered anymore.
The entire time we were in porn, it was a struggle to keep going on. I watched as they tried to change her and break her down. I remember times I would look at her and say "who are you" and I would bully her back to her old self. I know she feels resentment at me for letting her go though I know she would've went anyway and she really knows that as well. She's not the first of my children who was touched by this evil world. This is just a little of what me and my kids have been through thanks to porn and the other sex industries. They've reached into my home in so many ways to hurt my kids and myself. Even through all of this, even while I openly denounced God and my religion, in my heart I always knew it was wrong and I always wanted someone to come save us. I always looked to man to do that because deep down all I always really wanted was to be loved for me instead of my body and my looks.
Today, I start new and I still hope for that dream. I've decided to stop fighting it all and put my life back in God's hands to heal my pain. Thank you Shelley for everything you do. Without you, I don't think I'd be here right now. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'd rather be living like I am now then to be controlled by men and material things. I just hope that everyone can forgive me for the deception that I put on this world. I'm sharing my story as my first step to making amends for all the people I hurt due to my own pain!!
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