June 18, 2008

Reprinted with permission from rmott62.wordpress.com

My body knows the rapes I went through. My body knows each gaze that viewed me as a sex object.

I am so exhausted by having my past eating me away.

I do see the good in life. I do know love. I can know peace.

But, but the past lurks and sometimes rips out my stomach.

Now my body is remembering how much of an object I was to men. How they made me into porn.

It may of been triggered by the recent case of a "feminist" man caught abusing and filming a woman. It may of been trigger by hearing and reading some separating rape from porn. It may of been triggered that it is so rarely reported when prostituted women and girls are made into porn.

I cannot separate rape from the making of porn. That is not my experience. And it not the experiences of far too many prostituted women and girls.

Much of the huge profit of the porn industry is made on the bodies of prostituted women and girls. Yes, lots of other women and girls are used.

But prostituted women and girls are a continual flow for the porn industry, also they are easier disposable, for their safety is unimportant.

It is convenient for the porn industry to use prostituted women and girls for then they can say it not "real" violence, there is no "actual" raping.

But the violence is written on the bodies of so many prostituted women and girls.

It is embedded in mine.

From being filmed as I was gang-raped. Being told to smile more.

Yes it was rape, but the total humiliation was being made to perform as a porn-star.

I had pictures of me "performing", sometimes when I was unconscious, passed around different men.

Many of those men did rape me, but they saw me as just something they could fuck if they felt like it.

I felt terror as I placed in porn poses before I was raped.

The terror was made larger as I felt their eyes staring straight into me. Seeing each place they were going to damage.

Each man that used me had porn embedded in his mind.

He was using me because I a prostitute, and he would choose to believe it was not rape.

Whatever my reaction, or lack of reaction, the man would place his porn fantasy of what I was.

I was a victim who was terrified, and they could enjoy that fear. Enjoy that power.

Even though I don¹t remember showing fear. I do remember they wanted me to be scared. I was too dead to show fear.

Or I was loving everything they did to me. I was sex-crazed, I loved that they were sadistic.

It was just a game.

But my body had lost its sense of humour. It could not accept the degradation and pain it was put through.

No I cannot separate porn from rape, for as a prostitute I learnt that they were twisted together.

I find hard to understand how porn can be justify unless there is full proof that no-one is abuse or raped in the making of porn.

I believe that most mainstream porn is built on promoting rape and degradation of women and girls. That is what makes the biggest profit.

In the end, profit is more important than the safety of women and girls.

As for hard-core porn, I find hard to hear and read the constant defending of its existence.

I am especially sick of the concept that the "actors" are consenting. When many of the women in porn have moved from other parts of the sex trade.

Many have little choice, especially when there may be physical threats or threats of losing their job.

Most of the "extreme" porn is real violence. Women are made to be sick in real life, they are not acting. Women are raped with extreme violence. Women are forced into places where death is preferable.

This is done so men can wank themselves.

I find quite to believe that if a man chooses to view hard-porn for a long period, that he will not go on to rape.

Only he will choose to rape in places where it will not be called rape.

If he chooses to let his violent sexual fantasies out on a prostituted woman or girl, it is not rape. No, it is his entitlement.