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Many days I sit and wonder at what point I lost control of my life and put it in the hands of porn valley agents. Many girls in porn come from backgrounds of drugged filled homes, have been beat or raped.
My story is a little different. Growing up my household at times was filled with domestic violence but my parents stayed together and it seemed to rarely effect my sister and I. I went to church weekly, involved in beauty pageants, Cheerleading, dance , girl scouts and had all the material things a young girl could ask for. That soon all changed when my mom decided to leave our dad and our household income changed for the worst. There was a time when we lived with different family members, would be low on food and even got kicked out of our apartment.
The winter of 2004 due to money issues we lost our condo and were forced to live in a house that was filled with drugs and crime. I was dating a great guy at the time and his house became my safe heaven but that relationship soon ended. My sister and I moved and I became a hooters girl but still wasn't making enough money for rent and school so I start stripping but only for a few weeks.
Looking in the news paper I saw an ad seeking swim suit models and I decided to go in for a test shoot and the next day the agent called and said he had a shoot for me which would pay $600 and all I had to do was go topless. So, I did. After that came solo work and eventually BG (boy-girl) scenes. I hated this guy and how dirty I felt when he touched me. He would book me at least once a week and I needed the money so I sucked my pride up and ignored the wrong I was doing. Needing more money to be on my own I posted photos on sexyjobs.com not knowing this would be the biggest mistake of my life.
The following morning my phone was blowing up with offers. I did my first scene not knowing anything and started flying across the map each week, booked everyday and made a nice sum of money. I soon started missing class, quit cheer and knowing that I hated what I was doing I kept shooting only looking at the money.
I would cry on the set and scrub my skin so hard after scenes because I felt dirty and just hated myself and how I was being treated. I couldn't sleep at night and began taking up to twenty pills a week! While in porn I had money stolen from me from the agent I had. I did scenes for cheap rates and was told that if I canceled a scene I would have to pay a kill fee so at times I was forced to do stuff I didn't want to do.
The first time I did a swallowing scene and facial I was forced. They waited to the very end to tell me. It was only my second time doing porn. My worst day was when I was forced to use a sponge to do a scene because it was already booked and my monthly came early I had never did anything like this. The sponge was pushed so far and got stuck that I had to be taken to the hospital I had caught a infection and they had to open me up to remove the sponge. I wasn't able to work for a few weeks and the agent stole two of my checks to replace the money he didn't get from me leaving me broke and without food. I was threatened by other girls that if I didn't do the parties the agent set up I would stopped being booked, and would have to find a place to live.
The worst mistake I made was allowing my 18 year old sister to get into porn. She started partying, hanging with the wrong people and did everything I stayed away from. She left porn when she became pregnant with her daughter who is truly a blessing and changed her life for the better. She did a few scenes but I am proud to say she's in college doing great and now porn/drug FREE!! I soon quit porn myself and should have stayed gone…
I went back to school and tried to get control of my life again got back into cheerleading, dating a new guy but deep down was still depressed and needing money again. I turned to private dates because I thought it would be easier then porn but it was all wrong and dirty. I went back to porn and decided to get a female agent hoping things would be better because she said I would have more control over my career.
NONE of this happened and I was booked out, not sleeping, going to club events and my life was a mess again and sleeping pills ruled my life. I was a well known escort making good money but deep down it wasn't me. I didn't own my life anymore. Porn, money and sex did. VERY nasty and untrue rumors started to spread around about me around the same time I also found out I was pregnant and I do blame all the traveling, stress and crazy life style I was living for the loss of my baby. I slumped into an attitude and became very depressed but hid it with material things. I covered my swollen eyes from crying with makeup, smiling on the outside when I really wanted to just end my life.
I recently did my last scene and walked away from it all having nothing. I struggled for awhile with money, having a normal relationship and just finding myself again. Not only did I lose myself but I lost friends and family. I found out in the Spring that I was pregnant and from that moment on I knew I had to fight to keep my life safe from porn, escorting and sex.
My baby is due very soon and though I won't be able to give he/she right now or all the things a newborn needs he/she will have the love of a pure clean mom that he/she can be proud of and look up to. I wake up knowing that my life is changing for the better and although times are hard due to being on bed rest for a high risk pregnancy I have turned down all private work and offers for pregnant porn, I will never go back to that lifestyle.
Yes the money was great but it didn't make up for all the pain and trouble my body has went through. I've decided that all any help and knowledge that I receive from the Pink Cross I will use it someday to help other girls who are also caught up in the porn life style and believe they can’t survive without porn.
Thank you to Shelley and everyone at the Pink Cross who give girls like me hope and a new out look at life. Thank you to any of you who offer to help me and my baby.
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